Empty Spaces

It’s easy to believe in and trust in God when everything is sunshine and roses, right? But what about when life is hard and messy? What about when things don’t go the way we think they should? How can the attributes and character of God that are found in His Word be consistent with the adverse circumstances we face? 

This week, I was going to write about the inspiration I felt while watching the movie Overcomer with friends. I had some thoughts that seemed like they may be worth sharing, and I was looking forward to writing about Jesus’ sheep knowing His voice and following Him. However, this morning, as I was reading in an advent devotional, my heart was moved to share something a little more personal.

I have looked forward to being a mom for as far back as I can remember. I love children. I love to be around them, I love the energy they have, I love the silly things they say, and I love watching them learn and grow. I feel all the maternal instincts. As I finished college, settled into a teaching job, and served in my local church, I believed with all my heart that God would bless me with a husband and children if I just kept following Him. After all, one of the verses that has anchored my life says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) 

Year after year passed. I was still single, and I saw the time slipping away. Pretty soon, I was 30 and then 35. No husband, no children. Where was God, and what was taking Him so long? Where were “all these things” that I hoped would be added to me? Faith and trust became things that I had to fight for. I struggled to believe that God hadn’t forgotten about me. I clearly remember sitting at my dining room table one day. It was a snow day, usually the cause for much celebration for teachers. As I sat there, a thought lodged itself in my head and heart – “I would’ve been a great mom.” The darkness and grief that followed lasted for several years after that. I grieved the loss of children that I had never given birth to. That probably sounds strange, but it is the best way I know to describe what happened in my heart.

In God’s providence, I met my husband when I was 39, and we married a couple of months before my 41st birthday. He was and is a gift to me that I hope to never take for granted. God knew just who and what I needed, and in His timing, He gave me all that my heart longed for in a husband. This man never ceases to amaze me with His love for me and His love for God. He is a daily, tangible reminder to me of God’s love and faithfulness, and for that I am so thankful. 

Even though according to His Word, God’s timing is perfect, for me, that perfect timing didn’t really include the possibility of having children. We were both well past the normal age for becoming new parents, and after 13 months of marriage, Aaron became a bi-vocational pastor. What that word ‘bi-vocational’ means to us is that between full-time jobs and full-time ministry, we have very full hearts and very full schedules. We love serving our church, and we are so grateful for the opportunity to do so. 

If I’m being completely honest, in my heart, there’s still an empty space. I’ve had so many occasions to work with children and to love them well. I had the privilege of teaching for 18 years and  leading an inner-city children’s ministry for more than 10 years. I poured into the lives of many children, and I hope that many of them were positively impacted because of God’s love for them being channeled through me. Yet there remains an empty space.

So, how do I reconcile that empty space with God’s character? When my circumstances aren’t what I would have chosen, how can I still believe that God’s plans are best? Now that most of my days are spent with no interaction with children, what do I do with the longings of my heart? Is God really good? Does He care?

It’s in these moments that I must answer the most important question – Do I trust Him? Is He trustworthy? 

Thankfully, throughout Scripture, there were many who faced the same questions. Think of Joseph. His dreams told him that he would be so great that even his family would bow to him. But he was sold into slavery and then spent years in prison. Years later, what was his response to the brothers who had wronged him?

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” (Genesis 50:20)

What about the Hebrew men, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego? They were living to please God, and they refused to worship an idol. Their choice to obey God resulted in their being tied up and thrown into a furnace. Their response? 

“…our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18)

There are so many others, but my favorite just might be Habakkuk. He sees and clearly describes the atrocities that are happening to his people (which will only get worse). His response?

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” (Habakkuk 3:17-18) 

This is where faith, trust, and worship begin. Those things are possible because I know in my heart that God is good. He is still writing my story, and I don’t know yet how it will end. I can anchor my heart in the truth of His Word and in His unchanging character. He has promised good to me, and I believe that all the empty spaces and heartache are part of His good plan. In the end, it’s not about me, but it is all about how my life will bring Him the most glory. 

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“We, then, ought to be utterly free from the impatient pressures of worry and ambition, from any doubt in His ability, and from feeling as though the clock is winding down or the window closing on His opportunity to act.” (Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Consider Jesus, pp.131-132)

“He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'” (Hebrews 13:6-7)

Maybe for you it’s not childlessness. Maybe it’s cancer, divorce, singleness, or the loss of a loved one. Will you do something brave with me today? Let’s take our empty spaces, our heartache, our unfulfilled longings, and our hard questions and lay them at the feet of Jesus. “Faith is the next thing after surrender.” (Hannah Whitall Smith, A Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life)

Dear Father, our hearts cry out with the desperate father in Mark, “I believe, help my unbelief!” We confess that sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the reality of our circumstances with the truth of Your goodness and faithfulness. Would you help us to surrender the things we don’t understand, and would you help us to trust that Your ways are perfect? Please fill up our empty spaces with Your nearness and sufficiency. Thank you for being a wise and loving Father Who does all things well. My prayer this week is for those reading this who are struggling with hard things that they can’t understand. Please wrap Your loving arms around them, and remind them that You have promised never to leave or forsake Your children. Amen.